It's my heart

Let me say up front that I don't feel that old. I'll be 25 next month and I honestly don't see that as "old" in any way. But, I'm obviously older than I was in high school and college, and I'm getting older every day. The thing with this getting older phenomenon is that I find certain aspects of life are getting old. The one I've been thinking about lately (and discussing with a few close friends) is my heart getting hurt. My heart hasn't really been broken that often, but it has been hurt. Sometimes its just like a pulled muscle. Sometimes it gets bruised. Other times I think its been torn. Just like any other injury, it heals in time but I'm getting tired of it.

I think this tiredness is normal. In middle school/high school, I dislocated my knee cap on numerous occasions. It always hurt (Oh. My. H--- it hurt!!!) and it reached the point where I got SO tired of getting hurt. I never knew when it was going to happen, or how long it was going to hurt. I remember once telling my mom I'd like to just cut that leg off above the knee and be done with it. I was so tired that...I was done.

This hurting heart thing sometimes starts feeling like that. I'm afraid that I am reaching a point of getting so tired I'll decide one day that I'm done. The older I get, and the more it happens, the more I'm prone to guarding my heart jealously. I don't want to put it out there and risk another injury.

With my knee, I ended up avoiding almost all sort of physical activity for a very long time. I dislocated it the first time playing football; the second time it was basketball. In order to protect my knee, I stopped activities in which it could get hurt. And, honestly, I suffered. I got fat and out of shape, but...my knee didn't get hurt again.

With my heart "injuries," I haven't stopped yet, and I'm not done yet. But every time I get injured I do become more protective. I'm not quite as willing to put it out there like I would in high school or college. I'm cagey and quick to run away. I know what can happen to my heart and I know how it can hurt.

C.S. Lewis said, "Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

I agree with Lewis, but I'm still afraid that one day I am going to lock my heart up for good, even though I know that's not a good idea. My threshold for pain can only go so high.