My Life sans Boyfriend

I broke up with my boyfriend just under a month ago. Its been a very interesting experience. I've done it before--breaking up with a boyfriend, I mean--but this time 'round was different. Harder, I guess. We'd been dating for about 3 months and I'd be lying if I said I'd never thought about marriage. I had thought about it. I had thought about really loving him. No conclusions had been made, but the hope was all there. It was all there with the excitement, the happiness, the dreams of a grand wedding and a future life together.

And then we broke up.

The actual break up was a mutual decision. It wasn't his fault or my fault; we broke up with each other. And I think that made it all the more difficult. If one of us had done something wrong--cheated or been a jerk--or even if one of us had taken the blame and decided to end it, there'd be something or someone to blame. But there wasn't. The relationship ended somewhat suddenly and...there you go.

In the last month I have dealt with an amazing roller coaster of emotions. In relation to him, I've had moments of great sadness, confusion, anger, tears, laughter, indifference, and frustration. Looking back at it from where I stand now, its incredible to see how I've gone through stages of everything under the sun with a million different emotions and thoughts about probably every aspect of relationships imaginable. Its taken a month, but I finally feel like I'm in a good place with the end of the relationship and I truly believe its here to stay.

Here's a sampling of what I went through to get here...as best as I can figure it now:

1) Sadness: The relationship was over. Done. Kaput. I no longer had a boyfriend, or one of my best friends for that matter. That idea really made my heart hurt. I felt really sorry for myself and probably moped for longer than necessary.

2) Indifference: This stage came as I tried to convince myself I was fine and I was moving on. I think it was more a mid-line between the sadness and what was to come next.

3) Anger: This stage lasted a lot longer than I was expecting. But when I let myself feel it I realized how ANGRY I was with the whole affair. I was mad at him! He got my hopes up and then they came crashing down! He made me get excited at the prospect of a future with him! I know it wasn't entirely his fault, but in this midst of this long stage I blamed him and I was MAD. This was an interesting stage as well because the anger would bubble up at the most unexpected of times and sometimes take a while to dissipate.

4) Forgiveness: I finally realized the anger was getting me no where. I didn't want to hate him, and in my heart of hearts, I didn't hate him. I still liked him and respected him. So, it was time to forgive. It took help from my Heavenly Father, but it happened. I can finally look back at the 3 months we spent together with happiness. They're good memories now.

5) Empathy: I thought stage 4 was it? I was done? I wasn't expecting to feel any degree of empathy for him...but I do. Now that I'm doing so much better, I'm concerned about him. I hope he's doing okay. In my position its kind of hard to do much, but I'm determined to be a friend. We'll never be as close as we were, but I don't hate him and I hope we can still be friendly acquaintances--if nothing else.

All in all, an amazing learning experience.